Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Divorce
by Supreme Dakari Lord Cerventes
Summary: Jack needs some help finding his bearings, so he kidnaps Elizabeth, hoping she will make the compass turn to Will and the chest. But what happens when it turns to Jack? Songfic off Lordi's Shotgun Divorce.


Okay, guys. I'm a HUGE fan of Lordi, the awesome rock band from Finland. In case you haven't heard of them, they dress up in sweet monster costumes, and have won Eurovision 2006 (YEAH GO LORDI)! Anyway, in honor of this, I decided to write this songfic to the lyrics of the song "Shotgun Divorce". Yes, I know… this ISN'T the best Lordi song by a long shot (pardon the pun, lol). That honor goes to "Hard Rock Hallelujah", which rocked Eurovision! But I talk to much! Let's start the story,

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28-year-old Elizabeth Knightly was up early one morning. She and her lover were on the way to a vacation in Vegas. Will and her had been married for 5 years, ever since her previous husband, her "beloved" Ron, mysteriously died of the cholera. Or was it really the cholera? 

_The plants were watered, her bags were packed_

Elizabeth had finished watering all the plants and packing the bags since Will was still in bed; just as she had planned. She was euphorically looking forward to spending a week of booze, gambling and regeneration with the man she loved. But was the man she loved really Will?

_Without warning she gave him a slug_

"Hey Honey." Will said, waking up and yawning, "You going somewhere?"

"Oh, yes Will, I _am_ going somewhere. Unfortunately, you're _not_ going with me!"

Before he could do anything, she pulled out her family's shotgun seemingly out of nowhere, and aimed.

_Now her husband's slaughtered_

"What the… Elizabeth? Ahhhh, arrrrrrrggggggOOOOO!" Will screamed, scrambling over the bed.

_With a 12 gauge whack_

Without a word, Elizabeth Knightly pulled the trigger, sending the slug into his chest. Will flew back 4 feet, and hit the bedpost.

_Stranglehold of fear - It still won't disappear_

"Ehhghghh.. Eli… zabeth… wh.. wh.. why?"

_It's growing stronger - And still he's watching her_

"He he he! HA HA HA" Elizabeth was as giddy as a little girl. From out of the shadows a dark figure emerged. Will could just barely make the face out, but it looked like….

_Again she's leaving home - Again she's all alone_

"Jac… Jac... Sparrow?" Will couldn't believe his clouded eyes.

Elizabeth maniacally grinned. "Oh, _yes_. Isn't my new fiance wonderful? We're getting_ married_! You'd be our man of honor, but it looks to me like you have a _previous engagement_, isn't that right 'my love'?"

_Again she knows exactly what to do_

Jack smiled at the writhing Will. "Elizabeth _dear_, we _really_ should be going."

"Oh, _yes_ darling. You run along ahead. I just have one last thing to do to get ready."

Jack put on his sunglasses that matched his $40,000 dollar white suit and got into his stolen 40- foot luxury yacht, the _Snow White_. As he waited, Elizabeth dragged a bloody, dying Will by the heels down the stairs into the basement.

"Eli… za… beth… b… but… why?" Will croaked. Elizabeth just grinned as she took out a crowbar and removed three planks from the floor.

"Welcome to your final resting place, _dearest_. I hope you find it as _suitable_ as its previous inhabitant. Oh, I almost forgot. Did I mention you have a… _roomate_?"

_Like with the others before_

"D… Davy Jones?" Will was shocked at the sight of his decrepid friend's corpse, only recognizable by the trademark Jones red shock of hair.

"Oh, _pleaasseee_, Will." You didn't _really_ believe that a _gold_- rush era disease killed you best friend? But then again, you always _did_ get low marks on your _sailing_ school tests…" At that moment, Will noticed the empty jug of gasoline in her hands.

_This time around, yeah it's kinda final_

"Elizabeth… you… your no… not going to…"

"Make this house your _funeral pyre_? Oh yes! I can't _wait_ to see the look on your face. Ha ha ha! The_ finality_ of it all! I _love_ it!" As she stepped onto the stairs, she pulled out her shotgun, and fired at the propane tanks in the left side of the basement.

"Eliza… Eliza… no…" Will moaned, blood spilling out of his eyes.

"Oh, don't worry, _darling_. I'll let you put it out. _Here_…" Elizabeth threw him his dowry stick, landing at his feet. "Go on _Will_, put out the _fire_!"

Unfortunately, Will could not use his arms.

_R__ide 'till you fall_

"HA HA _HA_!" Elizabeth threw her head up in the air and expressed her feelings of lust, love, and sin. "You can't _move_ your arms because of my…" she grinned, "_12- gauge whack_…" As Elizabeth bounded up the stairs, she stopped, and smiled. "Ta ta, _Wiley boy_!", leaving him helpless and alone.

_Then the shotgun divorce_

Elizabeth noticed that an explosion was about to rock the house. Using her powers, she did a flip out the window and into the passenger seat of the _Snow White_, the luxury yacht.

"What _took_ you so long?" Jack asked chuckling, as the house exploded in a brilliant array of colors.

"Lets just say I had a… _hot date_!" Elizabeth joked.

The two chuckled at the funny pun, and floored the accelerator at 120 miles per hour, away from the scene of the shotgun divorce.

_It's her way out and she can't deny_

"So tell me, _darling_, how _did_ you think of that ingenious way of _killing_ your husband?"

"I guess it's my hobby. I can't deny it. I _really_ love to indulge myself in these…. '_affairs_'!"

"I know, but… don't do it to _me_!" Jack said with amusement.

"Oh, Jack, you make me_ laugh_! Ha ha HA!"

_She loves to kill and she kills for love_

In a reflective mood, she leaned back and closed her eyes. "Jack, you _know_ I love to…_ kill_." Elizabeth snuggled into his shoulder. "But I kill… for _love_."

"You do it for _me_. How romantic!"

"I _know_!" Elizabeth dramatized with much laughter and vengence.

_Autumn leaves keep falling on the ground_

(Three months later)

Elizabeth had been married to Jack for three months, and their marriage had been a whirlwind affair of intrigue, lust, and redemption. Outside of Jack's $320,000,000 Florida estate, Elizabeth stood on the top of a fall foliated high hill that was part of one of Jack's twelve 18-hole golf courses. Elizabeth was livin' large off of Jack's corporate empire money.

_Someday she knows that they will try to hunt her down_

The whole cover story of the "accidential fire" blew over pretty well, but there was some suspect of arson. Sparrow had paid off the sheriff into believing that a drunken Will Turner had started the fire, and shot himself after. Even so, Elizabeth was still nervous that justice would catch up with her. She couldn't sleep at night, and there was nothing Jack could do to comfort her.

_Plain revulsion, no love can be found_

Although there was no love between her and Will, she still was haunted by the image of his broken body burning. Sure she enjoyed it, but it was still revolting.

_After all is said and done there is no rebound_

Sometimes, she felt she could not go back to her former life. The murders were a heavy burden, and she knew that karma would catch up with her

_Now she's living scared_

_Even though she cared_

Elizabeth had killed them for Jack, for his safety and love. And yet, she always thought she made a mistake. But maybe, it was the best decision she ever made. She was torn, like a doll that had been ripped up by a hunting dog.

_He is gone_

_His head blown off_

And even the wealth and love could not chase the image of Will's dead body away from her. A dead body, who's head likely exploded in the inferno. Exploded because of lust…

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PLEASE tell me what you think! Read and review, please. I love you all! Listen to Lordi and ROCK OUT! 


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